Almost Suicide – 2008 a Year of Reflection

ImageChef.com - Custom comment codes for MySpace, Hi5, Friendster and more Almost Suicide in 2008 to My Own Nirvana. Early in 2008, my own demons almost claimed my life.

What I am about to share with you, is so personal, I argued with myself for days on whether I would reveal such private parts of my life.

Some of you will think I was weak, a coward even and back then yes, you would be justified . . . however I believe in sharing some very private aspects about my life in 2008 which does include my very planned suicide in early 2008 – when my own demons almost won.

If I can help just one person, who knows it could be you or a loved one, then it’s all worth it.

I am not sharing this for any sympathy as I do not want any or need any. This is from my heart and even just writing to this point, tears have flowed from my eyes and I am guessing by the time I am finished, I will need a mop and bucket to mop them up . . . releasing your emotions, even for men, is a good attribute, in my opinion.

I will not reveal the exact reasons which lead to my demons almost winning. They do involve my 3 sons, a woman and some other personal issues which will remain with me – enough said.

At the time, I was living with a friend in Colorado at his house on the lake, which being winter, was beautiful and frozen over, however the snow and ice was starting to melt.

After spending another Christmas apart from my sons and for a variety of other reasons, going through relationship issues on top of being in extreme pain from tearing my right hamstring twice in 4 weeks where my right leg, was still black and blue from my right butt cheek to 6 inches above my ankle.

I was popping enough pain killers to take the edge off and at the same time, my thinking started to get very cloudy and this is where the inner demons, the hatred for myself clung onto my own mind like a fly sticks to dog poo.

I spiraled downward quicker than an out of control avalanche and I didn’t know how to stop it or pull myself back up.

I couldn’t work, found it hard to get out of bed and shed so many silent tears, I could have filled a swimming pool.

Feeling so alone, so unloved and constantly beating myself up, I decided I no longer wanted to live, I couldn’t take the pain anymore.

I counted the pain killers I had left, there were 18. Not enough to do the job, sure I would have gone out to it. I was on a mission though . . . so I thought of another way – a one way swim the frozen lake which was melting.

Perfect.

My friend and his girlfriend were away and even in my depressed state, I didn’t want them to find me floating in the lake, so the timing couldn’t have been better.

Phew, this is hard going writing and expressing this to you, yet it feels good as well because I know I am helping at least one person, hopefully many more to come to terms with their own demons and to reach out.

Deciding ‘tonight’s the night’ and no, I am not talking about singing Rod Stewart’s song – I started writing my last words to my 3 sons, the woman who was in my life then, my parents and my sister.

Writing those letters were so, so hard to do. I then wrote a letter to my list of subscribers and posted it on my auto-responder, which was to be sent 2 days later, so you would know what had happened and to thank you for being a friend, subscriber and a customer if you were one.

I hand wrote a letter to my friend who owned the house, to say I couldn’t take it anymore, where to find the letters on my laptop, my parents phone number etc. Around midnight, I left my room and walked down to the lake, ready to take my one way swim.

As you can imagine, I was an absolute mess. This wasn’t a cry for help. This was calculated to the last detail. I started to walk into the lake, which was freezing cold and as I did I started to feel different, almost surreal, knowing my pain would soon end, I would be at peace.

I took another step and for some reason paused. I thought about my 3 sons again, the thoughts of not seeing them ever again, see them grow up, achieve goals in their lives, get married, have children and to be their Dad and to just be there or them.

I didn’t have these thoughts earlier, my demons had me in a headlock and were not letting go and kept telling me, I haven’t been the best father and my 3 sons would be better off without me and I believed it. It was at this exact moment of pause though, I started to ‘toecrack’ my own demons.

I can not explain how I found something left within me, especially when it such a state, to fight my demons. I was like a fighter on the canvas who has had the crap beaten out of them to within an inch of their life and almost like a miracle, they find the inner strength to get up, fight and win.

I turned around and got back to the beach, so cold and collapsed from mental exhaustion. Laying on the beach, so emotional, I stayed there for several minutes before picking myself up and making it back into the house where I took a very long, hot shower.

Needless to say, I did a lot of soul searching after such an ordeal. I had stared death right in the face and lived to tell about it. I am not proud of getting so low in my life and being at such a level of human weakness.

One aspect about me, on the outside, I do not give too much away, I can hide my demons exceptionally well. Many people think I have it together, I am this happy person who is on top of the world and at times I am. The problem is, they have been few and far between in the last 4 years, especially in 2008.

For the rest of the year, I still went round for round with my demons which caused me to lose my passion for writing and for doing other aspects as an entrepreneur which I am passionate about. Sure, I did just enough to survive.

Another failed relationship cause me to really take a good hard look at myself and I mean do emotional surgery on myself. I was like a deranged scalpel wielding brain surgeon.

I had started to reinvent myself and started to have moments of feeling alive again, having purpose in my life and for the first time in years, no longer hated myself when I looked in the mirror. I started to like me again and to fall in love with myself, the real me, the one who has been locked away in solitary confinement in my own mind for at least 5 years.

During my demonic year, I was drinking more, eating crap, not exercising – further fueling my own hatred which only allowed my demons to do another victory lap. I love my beer and drinking 8-10 pints a night (some nights I didn’t have a beer) helped me sleep better at the time.

As my mind started to get stronger and I started to write down solid goals and making certain commitments to myself, people started coming into my life and I know for a fact, these people have not been an accident. A few of you know exactly who you are and I will not name all of you, all I wish to say, is from the bottom of my heart, I am externally grateful and thank you for being you, for your unselfishness and for reaching out to me.

It’s now 2009, 14 days in and I am working my way towards my own Nirvana.

In the past few months I have discovered more about me than I ever knew existed, in my personal life and in business. My passion to write is back and to be honest, I have found my writing brushes again and the Picasso’s are appearing. My words flow like they have never ever before, I am writing the very best copy of my career and it will only get better.

I have a desire to mentor people again and to touch as many people’s lives as humanly possible.

I started a 14 day whole detox cleanse. Today is day 11. It was tough to begin with, especially no beer, no caffeine etc and eating healthy. I have gone from an average of 20 cups of coffee a day over the last 20 odd years (more like 25 years) – which a friend pointed out, is 146,000 cups of coffee, enough to start my own coffee chain of stores.

I don’t even want to think about how many kegs of beer I have drunk since I was 18. That’s one statistic I am happy to be in denial about.

The first few days were hard, headaches, foggy brain, shaking etc. from the caffeine withdrawals. The No beer aspect has been easier than I thought. I still go to my local bar and have a soda water with lime and bitters while my mates drink their pints.

I am eating healthy food, organic food and loving it. Now the cleanse allows you to cheat a couple of times, so yes, I have had a few coffees one day and a few beers another (not 8-10 pints though).

I am exercising and feel bloody alive . . . and even though I am 44 in 2 months, I feel 10 years younger.

When the cleanse is finished on Saturday night, I will not slip back to my old ways as that person is dead. The toecracker has reinvented himself and will continue to do so as I know I have so much to give this world, to you, to my sons, my family, my loved ones and to myself.

I can look into the mirror and love myself – not in a vain way. If you don’t truly love yourself though, you will never be truly happy or attract you dream mate.

You may be thinking, this is all part of some New Year’s resolution. It’s not. I think doing resolutions at New Years is a complete waste of time.

The cleanse, eating right and getting fit again is just another stepping stone to my successful reinvention. I am going to share with you, the tools/people who I am using as my role models and mentors either knowingly or silently. Any website link is a direct link, I do not get one cent if you choose to follow my path and nor do I want it.

The first person I want to let you know about is Lisa Lockwood who has reinvented herself over and over again, from an abused child, to beauty queen, the SWAT team and now a published author and motivational speaker. Lisa’s a friend, client and without her knowing about, a silent mentor.

I did some work for Lisa and doing the research, reading her book and listening to her audios, have been a major influence on my road to reinventing myself. With her permission, I am extending a very special facebook friends offer to invest in her Reinvention Success Secrets package where, hidden under the word ‘YOU’ in the headline, is a special offer, which at $47, $30 off the already low early bird special of $77 is something I do highly recommend you treat yourself to.

Go and invest in YOU:

http://www.reinventionsecrets.com which includes a private, one on one session with Lisa, truly priceless.

There is a book which my special friend and beautiful angel, gave to me for Christmas which is titled: Harmonic Wealth by James Arthur Ray from ‘THE SECRET’. You can get it on amazon.

I hope you are still with me, having read and absorbed a part of my very private life and you can learn from my pain, my mistakes and my own demons. If I can help you or just one person, then any backlash I get will be worthwhile.

I may lose credibility with some of you and even have people unsubscribe or un-friend me or lose a customer or two and to be honest with you, I am totally at ease with it.

We all have our own demons, some worse than others or you may have loved ones who are struggling in silence, so please look for any warning signs, reach out and be there for them.

Thanks for reading.

Again, I do not want or need any sympathy. I simply hope I have touched your heart in some small way.

Dedicated to kicking your ass until you succeed.

Warmly

Trevor ‘ToeCracker’ Crook
PS. From almost suicide to well on my way to reaching my own Nirvana in 2009, wouldn’t be possible without the life changing aspects I discover here. Go on over and take a peak.
http://www.ReinventionSecrets.com

PPS. Feel free to share my story with your friends, if you believe it could help just one more person.

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25 Responses to Almost Suicide – 2008 a Year of Reflection

  • Christopher says:

    Hey Trevor,

    Glad you are still in the land of the living! I guess this means I still don’t know any perfect people now. But I can live with that. Just don’t try to cash in your chips early any more. I still have a lot to learn from you yet! Well I better get back to your course before you kick my butt. See ya on face book.

    Hi Christopher,

    Thanks for your comments, really appreciated and yes, get back to the course lol. Not sure if you saw this article. It’s very powerful.

    http://trevorcrookblog.com/2009/01/22/your-success-grows-from-your-struggles-in-life/

    Trevor

  • Kathy says:

    Trevor,

    Thank you for having the courage to share this. Having also been there, I know how hard this can be to own up to. It is usually something small that takes you over the edge and the loved ones (usually your children) who bring you back. Hiding it from everyone is hard to begin with but then you become two people – the outward smiling friend and the blackness within.

    I’m very glad that both you and I were able to break free of the demons. I still can’t quite love myself but I love life and what I’m doing now, learning everything about IM. Watching the joy in my daughter’s eyes as she talks about her first love, listening to my son master a difficult classical piece on the piano, having my husband hug me make me so glad I didn’t walk into the ocean that day. Having my doctor believe in me and trust me not to take the whole bottle of Valium he had just prescribed gave me a little self worth.

    I now realize that life is beautiful and precious. Sure, the demons still come back sometimes but I now know that they are only transient and I will feel good again.

    Remember this and keep going, no matter how hard it is. Now I am shedding bucket loads!

    Stay well Trevor.

    G’Day Kathy,

    Thank you for your words, support and also for sharing. I am glad you are stronger too. Shedding what you did on my blog and with others will take a HUGE weight off your shoulders. Keep going and growing and tell yourself, daily, in front of a mirror, that you love yourself and mean it. Here’s my latest post on strength grows from your struggles in life – I hope you enjoy it.

    http://trevorcrookblog.com/2009/01/22/your-success-grows-from-your-struggles-in-life/

    Trevor

  • howie says:

    Trevor
    That’s a very powerful story and takes much courage to reveal.
    You are in the winners seat my friend driving in the right lane in the right
    Direction. Your doing many great things for people so hold that path steady.
    May god bless you with a life of health and happiness.

  • Wow Trevor, that’s quite a fear of courage to be able to tell us that story!

    Thanks for sharing that with us, and obviously we’re all very, very glad you pulled through at the last moment and got your back together.

    Your story is exactly why I hate pain meds. They play around with your mind in some pretty scary ways.

    Anyway, glad to hear everythings great for you now and you’re back in the game.

    Obviously God wants you here for some reason :)

    Jeremy Reeves
    http://www.controlbeatingcopy.com

    G’Day Jeremy,

    Many thanks for your thoughts and words. have an amazing year my young friend, overcome your struggles and turn them into success. – Trev

  • Crystal says:

    I knew there was a reason I adored your writing and knew, as well, why you came into my life when you did.

    Several years ago, it was the fact my own grown daughter would find me which quieted my demons. I could not bear to burden her with the awful scene of finding her mother’s body for the rest of her life. You see, I had also found a friend 7 years earlier who’s demons had succeeded. Those visions I endured for quite some time, I did not want her to ever experience.

    Suffice to say, I do not believe 1 person I know does not have some sort of demons – whether it is the way they were raised, the circumstances they found themselves in or the choices they have made along the way. We all suffer in one way or another and for that reason it is very important for the truth to come out so another person will not fill the blackness or loneliness we have felt. Bravo for stepping forward and showing your human side. It proved to me (and I am sure countless others) how much a man of your word you are and how connected all of us are to one another.

    Over the last 19 years, I have reinvented myself several times – and it looks as if it is time again ;-) . Thanks again.

    Hi Crystal,

    Many thanks for sharing and for your words, which are appreciated. Glad my story has been of some help to you. My new post on overcoming struggles may help you as well. Have a phenomenal year. http://trevorcrookblog.com/2009/01/22/your-success-grows-from-your-struggles-in-life/

    Trevor

  • Trent Steward says:

    Nice …

    Well spoken … “love yourself” – first and foremost without question.

    This allows us to then fully appreciate and love others.

    Demons serve us as a reminder of what’s good and perfect and loving in our lives they are a reminder of what holds true value as oppose to the ego, materialistic nature we so easily allow ourselves to be absorbed by.

    Your true course remains inside, find what and who is important and then self belief in the many endless possibilities and outcomes.

    Enjoy your journey Trevor,

    Thanks Trent for your Words of wisdom. – Trevor

  • For some reason it seems, successful or people who know how to make money and have some of it, have happy lives. I guess it is not the case.
    I was touched by your story and I can also relate to it one way or another as many of us do.
    I am very glad you are Well and back on track! I appreciate your work and you as a person! Thank you for your every word.

    Thanks for your word Eduardas, I truly appreciate them. Keep strong and remember, your strength comes from your struggles. = Trevor

  • Deano says:

    Hi Trevor,

    Thanks for being open and couragous enough to share what transpired. I can really relate to it. I realise that there is more to the picture but 2008 sure was a shocker for me too, I’m so glad it is over.

    I feel very encouraged, Thank you

  • Trent Jeffries says:

    Happy 2009 Trev

  • Rebecca says:

    Gday Trevor, Thanks for sharing… being able to relate to your story brought tears to my eyes, thank you for your honesty. The truth does set us free – and looks like you are well on your way my friend. Blessings to you!

  • Anna Johnson says:

    Hi Trevor,

    Thanks for sharing your story… and thanks for remaining with us. You have always struck me as a genuine and honest person, and this letter only raises your esteem in my eyes. I hope you get as much out of sharing your story as I’m sure many people have gotten out of reading it. And, if they don’t know it already, one day your sons will read this and see what a courageous father they have.

    Best wishes,

    Anna

  • adam says:

    Dear Trevor, thank you very much for sharing…you know that you’ve also got many good friends all over this wonderful and very challenging planet Earth, who are there to help you in situations like this. You’d managed to surprise me very much by calling me in real while you were in London(England) some time ago… Just keep in mind that you are not alone and that you’ve got your beautiful sons who will need you…

  • Sueblimely says:

    By writing with such honesty your credibility has increased for me. Any who do not understand your demons and what they led to should consider themselves lucky that, by genetics or circumstance they have not been there, but not judge you.

    I am really pleased to hear that life is turning round for you – hope to meet you somewhere on the road to Nirvana :-)

  • Buz McGuire says:

    Trevor,
    Your story truly touched me. Thank you for your honesty and for always being the Toecracker, even for yourself. You seriously rock.

    Be blessed!
    Buz

  • Susanna says:

    Trevor, glad to have read your journey through 2008, and it is important to be clear about where you are, thrilled about your progress! :-) Keep with the living, I need your reading. LOL

    Thanks Susanna, I really appreciate your words and support. – Trevor

  • Josefina says:

    Hi, Trevor: I want to thank you for sharing your almost suicide experience so openly. As you said, expressing emotions and declaring yourself in a crisis situation is not easy for anybody, especially men. I want to recommend you a book from an author whose spiritual transformation began just during an almost suicide episode, just like yours. This book is changing my life, really. It is “The power of now” from Eckart Tolle. I hope you read it so your inner work and your mentoring mission may be enriched.
    With warm regards, Josefina

  • Nancy Hall says:

    Hi Trevor,

    I admire the courage it took to write about your experience and am very glad you are still here to do so. Thank you for that gift.

    I have also experienced very bleak, challenging moments in my life and can relate to the despair you felt. No place to share -or- the right tools to deal with the pain… ugh. It’s easy to forget that these are moments of deep growth instead of just feeling the discomfort/pain.

    My biology teacher used to say.. we are either pushed by pain or pulled by purpose to move in life. Yes.
    Buddha spoke about resistance and how it creates pain in our lives. Yes.
    “But, this is how it should be!!!”
    Ha! What do we know?!!! There are other forces at work here.
    .. acceptance.

    It’s the thoughts that really matter. ” I will be okay, get through it and be stronger for it” …. whatever that “it” may be.

    … still learning.

    Your sharing touched me and your courage has inspired mine.

    Bless you!

    Sending back Love & Light
    Nancy

    Sometimes, even a smile can change the world.

  • Leila K says:

    oh my god if there is one. I stumbled over your face on facebook, got reading as I thought I needed som good advice on PR and career. And now I read this. A story told straight from your heart. As revealing and close as if you sat just next to me. I feel a lot of strength coming my way. I´m going through tough times at the moment, separation, a loved one who left me and last year a loved one who did take her life. All very much in depression over all this and more. I now see a small light, the horizon is there a thin line but still there. So. Just when I needed you, you came into my life. It feels as if I now can develop a new way of looking at things, a new tool appeared, it´s there to grab. I will start reinventing myself. Now. This very moment. Thank you for staying alive and staying in this life and sharing with us. You have a purpose here on earth, and as you say if you sharing can help but just one person it would be worth it. It just did. I grew stronger, because you toutched my soul. I will not pity myself anymore.

    Love Life Live Life Leila

    • Irina says:

      Fantastic goods from you, man. I have keep in mind your stuff prior to and you are just too great. I really like what you have rcieeved here, certainly like what you’re saying and the way in which by which you are saying it. You are making it entertaining and you continue to take care of to stay it wise. I can not wait to learn far more from you. That is really a terrific web site.

  • Lyn says:

    Thanks for sharing. Surely no one would unfriend , unsubscribe or whatever because someone has shared their personal experience with depression. None of us is immune — if they do take umbridge I’m sure it’s from fear that could happen to them…better to bury their head in the sand.

    The brave thing, I think, is in sharing.

    Take care
    Lyn

  • Brian Baulch says:

    Hey Trevor first heard about you today listening to you and others at The Inaugural Internet Million Dollar Roundtable http://www.worldinternetsummit.com/interview/mrt.html so after l listened see what websites l could find on you and here lam great inspiring first post to read from you have a great huge 2009 Trevor, l will be doing some referring to your blog in 2009

  • Annette Bishop says:

    Hello Trevor;
    Here it is Friday 13 and you are chasing black cats under ladders….What a turn-a-round. Just like in your 20 ancient quotes, Men are not troubled by things themselves, but by their thoughts about them. Epictetus. Thanks for your courage to share. You rock!!
    Just this week I have had an epiphany. Who would think that bankruptcy has brought me to a place of self love. Go figure….. what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.
    Blessings
    Annette

  • Christ Follower says:

    Good afternoon Trever,

    I received a note on facebook regarding a book you will be writing about “Almost Suicide”. You were requesting the opportunity to allow others to share their experiences in your book. I’d very much like to be a part of that. I have been trying to share my story of my horrible childhood and how I was one day from pulling off a well-planned suicide attempt. I had no friends but one, I was intelligent and didn’t even see it, I had friends and family and was never introduced to them, and I had never experienced what forgiveness was truly like in my life. I was alone, lost my the memories of my life from the age 11 and back.

    My past is filled with pain and suffering and has been stuffed in a back corner, but I would greatly like to share my saving grace and my beacon of hope that led me out of my turmoil.

    Please email me for more information (for my name and other things included).

    -Christ Follower

  • Kate says:

    Hi Trevor…

    I’m glad you pulled through…I attempted suicide by overdosing in November 2008 twice and still struggle with the thoughts today…Keep going and know there’s always someone there who loves you and wants you alive…Good luck on your book!

  • Kate says:

    Hi Trevor,

    I have decided to write my story for your book. I lost your facebook link and I was wondering if you can give it to me. The Suicide Prevention group sent it and I don’t have it anymore. Can you give me more info on what I need to do for your book please? That would be great! Thank you.

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